Am I demisexual, or just picky? This can be a pretty touchy topic for some of us, myself included.
So, before I even begin talking about this, I want to stress that being demisexual and being picky are two very different things. With that said, there is nothing wrong with either.
The problem, for me anyway, is when people confuse the two.
What does it mean to be Demisexual?
Demisexuality is a sexual preference where the emotional connection comes before sexual attraction.
While every emotional bond doesn’t lead to sexual attraction; every instance of sexual attraction happens in the context of a deep emotional bond.
Because it is rare for a demisexual to experience sexual attraction or desire, it’s not unheard of to mistake these tendency as asexuality. However, this label fits about and the other labels we try to place upon ourselves and leads to years of confusion and frustration.
The important part here is a demisexual requires an emotional connection with someone before they want the relationship to progress to a more physical level.
What does it mean to be picky?
According to the dictionary “being picky” means – very difficult to please: choosy, dainty, exacting, fastidious, finical, fussy, meticulous, nice, particular, persnickety, squeamish.
When put in a dating context, being picky refers to a person who seeks reasons not to be in a relationship. People who are picky in a relationship appear to find a seemingly inconsequential fault (like wearing mismatched socks) and use it as a reason to exit the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want and expecting to be in a relationship with someone who ticks all of your boxes.
The only problem is that picky is not an accurate way to describe demisexuals.
Why they’re NOT the Same Thing
We live in a world where random hookups and one-night stands are the norm. That lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and there are many reasons someone would choose not to take part. Being demisexual is one such reason, and being picky is another.
So let’s imagine a situation where a person is approached by someone at a bar. You talk a bit, maybe there’s some flirting. Then that person asks you to go back to their place and have a bit more fun. It’s a situation most people have found themselves in.
A demisexual in that situation will probably say no. This isn’t because they don’t like the person, or even because they don’t like sex. They will say no because in the absence of an emotional connection, they don’t desire sex.
A picky person may likely say no in that situation as well. However, their reasoning will be a bit different. A picky person likely isn’t basing their no on a lack of emotional connection. Chances are it is for a different but equally valid reason.
Dating is perhaps the harder one to shrug off for demisexuals, at least for me it is. Having sex or not having sex is a personal matter. It’s not something I share with people or do with an audience. No one pushes the issue because no one knows.
Dating, however, necessitates social interaction, being in public and doing things together. People know when you’re dating someone or not. Those times when you’re (or at least when I’m) not dating someone, my super helpful friends and family members make it their mission to find someone for me.
Whether demisexual, demiromantic or something else, this next part is going to be different for everybody. But for me, as a demisexual, I prefer not to find myself in a relationship with someone if I’m not sexually attracted to them.
I have no desire to kiss, cuddle with someone, or do other relationship type things if I don’t feel emotionally connected with the person. Which means I have little desire to get into a relationship before I’m emotionally connected with a person.
That’s the reason I stay single – a lack of emotional connection. It has nothing to do with the other person, just my feelings toward them.
A picky person might be single for many reasons. The personal attributes or habits of their potential partner, poor timing, religious or moral restrictions – whatever the reasons are sexual attraction and desire don’t play a big role in them.
An answer to the question of how often truly depends upon the person. Some demisexuals may feel sexual attraction often. It’s possible to feel an attraction to many people you have an emotional connection with, perhaps several people your friends with.
A demisexual may rarely even find themselves sexually attracted to people, even if there is an emotional connection.
What’s important to remember is that is it possible for a demisexual to be “just friends” with someone. It is also important to remember that sexual attraction may appear at the same time as the emotional connection, or at any time thereafter.
Just because a demisexual isn’t attracted to a person right now, doesn’t mean the attraction won’t develop in the future.
Whether demisexual or picky, it honestly doesn’t matter. The important thing is that you’re happy and comfortable with whatever relationships you have or don’t have.
The problem is that so often people throw the word picky out as an insult. It’s as though the worst thing a person might be is single or alone. That’s just not the case.
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What do you think? Do people often accuse you or being picky?