Hi, I’m Cairo and apparently I can be called “The Demisexual” as well.
This website is a labor of love, my attempt to give a voice and create awareness for all the demisexuals out there.
My Demisexual Story
I feel like I need to start by warning everyone. It’s not easy to talk about myself and things I’ve struggled with. I will try my best to get it all out there in case it can help someone else who is going through the same thing.
For years I felt broken, like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have the urge to go out and pick someone up for a night of fun. In fact, I can’t think of many things that sound less like fun to me.
I’ve always been the person who dates their best friend. The one people pine over for months if not years before I realize I want what they’re offering. People always laughed as how hard I made people work for it, there were always jokes about me being picky and playing hard to get.
Through my formative young adult years that weighed on me quite heavily. The pressure to put out, to go out, to meet people, date and be in relationships was immense. I didn’t know how to handle it.
Like many passive people who are a little embarrassed and ashamed that they’re not like everyone else, and would prefer not to rock the boat, I did what was expected of me. I dated, I went out, I entered relationships with no desire or attraction to speak of and I stayed in them because it was easier to do that then to really look at myself and figure out why I am this way.
Discovering my Demisexuality
I was going through a strange time in my life. For some (obviously unknown) reason my relationships weren’t working out. I was miserable.
One weekend I read a romance novel with a character that I related to more than I had related to any character in a romance novel before. About half way through, the character says he doesn’t jump into bed with people he doesn’t know, or even people he does. So I’m reading this thinking, oh my gosh, me too!!!
Anyway, the love interest automatically assumes he’s asexual. The guy is all actually I’m demi…
This was my first time hearing the term. I didn’t really understand what it meant. But I did know that I wasn’t ace and I found myself quite hopeful that maybe there was a name for whatever was holding me back and keeping me from being the person everyone expected me to be.
About a chapter later, the character says “I’m emotionally connected to you, but I’ve never been sexually attracted to you.” If there was ever a line in a book that summed up my entire life it’s that one right there.
Like a good millennial, who realizes there’s something they don’t know, I pulled out my phone and Googled some things. I quickly figured out that demisexuals feel sexual attraction after an emotional connection is formed but not too much else.
The information was enough that I finally felt like I understood myself better. But I wanted more. I wanted stories, I wanted a place to talk to people like me.
Deep down, I wanted to belong. I wanted to know I wasn’t the only one. While having that label to embrace exponentially. Over the years I was able to remove myself from the toxic relationships I was in and gain to confidence not to fall back into the trap of being the person people expected me to be.
Life as a Demisexual
I wish I could say embracing the label flicked a switch and every problem in my life suddenly disappeared.
Unfortunately, I still have the same problems. What has changed is, I know have a wealth of knowledge about why I am the way I am and how it all works.
I also have the confidence to own it. To say no, to express my desire to get to know someone better. I now have the knowledge to realize I don’t have to be in a relationship to be a complete and valuable person.
Since embracing the label, I’ve learnt how to enforce the boundaries without worrying about the consequences and what people will think.
Being demisexual has taught me that I’m not broken and it’s completely valid for me to not only enforce my boundaries but to insist that people respect them, even if they don’t understand.
Want to share you story? Go for it!
Have a question, or even a thought to share? The comment section is for you too!