Let’s get the potentially controversial facts about being demisexual out of the way first:
- Demisexual is a legitimate sexual orientation found on the asexual spectrum.
- Demisexuality is inherently LGBT.
- It’s enough to “just” be demisexual.
What does it mean to be demisexual?
The one and only requirement for being demisexual that a person doesn’t experience sexual attraction without an emotional connection.
That’s it, that’s all. It actually is that simple.
In the absence of an emotional bond, there is no sexual attraction. A demisexual isn’t practicing abstinence or celibacy, they aren’t waiting until a relationship progresses past a certain arbitrary point to act on their physical attraction – it just no attraction.
Can I be demisexual and gay/ bi/ pan/ etc?
This is something I’ve discussed a lot on here. We’re fortunate to live in a time where we have the vocabulary to be very specific about our romantic and sexual orientation.
It’s absolutely valid to be as specific as you want to be about your sexual and romantic attractions.
Remember, your labels are your choice. It’s up to you how specific you want to be with the world and people around you.
It’s entirely valid to be attracted to only one, any or all genders in either a sexual or romantic way. It’s also valid to express that attraction in whatever way you feel most comfortable.
Can I just be demisexual?
Despite our ability to be incredibly specific, it’s okay not to be.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You don’t have an obligation to answer invasive questions.
Demisexual is enough on its own.
When you say you’re demisexual, what you’re telling people is that you don’t experience sexual attraction until you’ve established an emotional connection.
It’s enough on its own. Choosing to identify as demisexual with no further qualifiers is a very personal choice that someone may make for many reasons.
Why would someone choose to just be demisexual?
No reason is better than another. Sexual and romantic identities are unique and individual. There is no right way to experience or express attraction.
They’re not sure.
When your attraction is based on an emotional connection – and not every emotional connection leads to attraction – it’s hard to understand. Sometimes the object of your attraction can be a surprise to you and everyone in your life.
Many people on the asexual spectrum once identified as pan or bisexual. Not because they were necessarily attracted to more than one gender, but because they were equally unattracted to each gender.
It’s none of your business.
For real, no one owes you an explanation of anything, especially not something as personal as their sexual identity and experience with attraction.
Unless they direct their attraction your way, there’s no real reason you need to know all the nitty-gritty details. And even then, it’s still not super relevant.
Final Words
How specific someone chooses to be about their sexual orientation is entirely up to them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
The way a person expresses themselves and their sexual orientation is entirely up to them and valid whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.
Thank you for your blog. It’s good to have access to information like this. In high school, I realized I didn’t have the obsessive urge to have sex that the rest of the male students had. I’d always felt that I was defective… I chalked it to just waiting for the right person, but now I know different. I missed a lot of social sexual cues which added to the confusion. Thanks again for the info.
I’m glad you found this page. It makes me so happy every time I hear something like this! So many of us spent years calling ourselves horrible names, “broken” “defective” “alien”… It’s hard to go through life feeling like there’s something wrong with you. Especially when it comes to sexuality, because it’s so taboo to speak freely about and not having those desires is often dismissed as a matter of immaturity or hormone imbalances.
If you’re on Facebook I run “The Demisexual Group” there. It’s become a super supportive community where you can share experiences, get/ give advice and just know you’re not the only one who feels that way without worrying about friends or family finding out about things you might not want to share with them.