So you’ve met someone. Perhaps you even like that someone. You can feel the sexual attraction, from your side anyway. Things are going really well, then they tell you they’re demisexual.
You go home, spend the evening researching what exactly being demisexual means. There’s so much information, but one question keeps circling around your mind, repeatedly.
How long does it take a demisexual to feel sexual attraction?
The Emotional Connection
When someone says they are demisexual, what they’re trying to tell is you they need an emotional connection before they feel sexual attraction or have any desire to pursue a physical relationship.
When do Demisexuals feel sexual attraction?
After, and only after the building of a strong emotional foundation.
This is perhaps the biggest reason demisexuality is so difficult to explain to people. For most, sexual attraction is something that happens on a physical level.
Over our lives they tell us that sex is better with someone we love, someone we trust. As a demisexual, my reaction to this is well duh.
Demisexuals have little to no desire to have sex with a person in the absence of an emotional connection. Not having sex at all is preferable to the discomfort of enduring physical intimacy with someone they don’t adequately know.
In contrast, many people are more than happy to experience good/ fine/ perfectly adequate sex in the absence of an emotional connection. There are many valid and reasonable explanations for that – they may enjoy the physical closeness, that physical intimacy could be the catalyst for an emotional bond, and many more.
A demisexual has no interest in sharing that physical intimacy with someone without a strong emotional bond. It does not mean they lack interest in sex, simply they don’t desire sex without an emotional connection.
How does a demisexual form this emotional connection?
As with all things, each individual experience with sexual intimacy, orientation and identity will be different.
It’s not as though there is a list of questions to answer to ensure the efficient development of an emotional connection. It’s as random and unpredictable for us as it is for anyone else.
For demisexuals, emotional intimacy is the main component in sexual attraction. Which means they may find themselves attracted to people they know well-friends, coworkers, etc.
Speaking for myself, it’s not as though I plan to find myself attracted to anyone, it just sort of happens. Sexual attraction is often surprising and arrives after sharing a deep conversation or spending time near each other.
One important thing to remember is that an emotional connection does not guarantee sexual attraction. Just like a straight person doesn’t find themselves attracted to every member of the opposite sex they encounter, a demisexual doesn’t find themselves attracted to everyone they have an emotional connection with.
How long does it take to feel sexual attraction?
Again, I will say, it varies from person to person and situation to situation. Sexual attraction is an intimate and personal experience, it is unpredictable at the best of times. Building an emotional connection depends on several individual and situational factors and cannot be reduced to a concrete formula. The nature of the relationship is truly of little consequence.
Sometimes a demisexual will begin to feel sexual attraction for someone after years of friendship. Other times you will develop those feelings after a short but emotionally intense experience.
Let’s again remember, an emotional bond doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will happen. It is just a prerequisite for it to occur at all.