It appears being single is my default state as a demisexual. And while being alone isn’t a big deal to me, the way people respond when they find out is.
Somewhere along the line it seems society decided that being single, being alone is the worst thing a person can be. Forget being unhappy, forget being in a toxic relationship – it’s all better than being single.
This isn’t an easy reality to embrace. Relationships aren’t exactly easy to find for most demisexuals. People expect certain things in a relationship, and we need a deeply emotional connection in order to feel the attraction we need in order to do those things. That attraction isn’t as easy for us as it is for others.
What is a Demisexual?
First things first, a demisexual is someone who requires an emotional connection in order to sexual attraction or desire physical intimacy.
How do demisexuals feel about relationships?
Like everything else, some demisexuals crave relationships – deeply desire them. They strive to find that connection, to fall in love and live their happily ever after.
Others could take it or leave it. If a relationship were to fall in their lap, they probably wouldn’t push it away, but they’re also not going to go out of their way to meet someone or find that elusive connection.
Yet other demisexuals have next to no desire for a relationship. They aren’t looking; they don’t crave it and honestly, if the opportunity came upon them, they may fight it for all their worth.
Whether a demisexual is all for a relationship and actively seeking one out, or doing everything in their power to avoid romantic or sexual entanglements, it is completely valid and absolutely the right choice for them.
This post is for those of us who have some anxiety about our relationship status or the pressure people put on us to change it.
Why does being single cause so much anxiety?
We see our friends and peers getting serious with people – getting married, having babies – while we are obviously happy for them, we panic a bit ourselves.
What if we don’t find someone? We’re slowly getting prime, aren’t we? And for most of our lives we’re told to find our better half, that we’re not complete without a significant other.
I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or if it’s just me, but it’s always felt as though being single was because there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t good enough; I wasn’t desirable enough… unwanted… unloveable.
That was a hard pill to swallow. But, it never crossed my mind that being single could be my choice, that the problem might be something outside of myself. When I finally came to that realization, it was powerful.
Things to do when you’re single
1| Get to know yourself better
Being single is prime time to be selfish and put yourself first. Improve your self-care game, do things you’ve always wanted to do.
Remember, the easiest way to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship with someone in the future is to build a happy, healthy relationship with yourself right now. Take the time to figure out what you like, what makes you happy. Bring as much joy as you can into your life without worrying about how it will affect anyone else.
When you find yourself in a position to date again, make sure the relationship will be on where you’re supported in reaching your goals and taking the time to do the things you love. You’re looking for someone to complement you, not complete you.
Learn what boundaries are important to you and enforce them.
2| Take your time, there is no rush
You have plenty of time. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a relationship that doesn’t feel right. Learn how to say no, how to put yourself first.
Take your time and really get to know the other person. Build that connection you desire.
Wait until you find someone you feel attracted to. Don’t push it, don’t push yourself. You know yourself best and anyone who makes you feel otherwise isn’t worth your time.
One thing I’ve realized is that there is always going to be pressure to be in a relationship, no matter how old you are or what stage of life you’re in. You deserve better than to find yourself in a relationship with the wrong person.
3| Reconnect with old friends
This is the perfect time to reconnect with people you have lost touch with. Say hi, go out for coffee and rebuild that relationship. Now is the perfect time to send a message to your college roommate, or the person you used to be close to in high school.
If your last relationship wasn’t particularly healthy, this is yet more important.
Establish your own circle of friends. People who will be there for you no matter what happens in your relationship.
4| Get in shape
Chances are you probably have a bunch of free time now why not spend that time working to make yourself look and feel your best?
Go to the gym, start working out, you’ll find yourself more confident and possibly even more assertive in enforcing your boundaries.
This could also be a great way to meet people you have something in common with. Who knows, you might even meet someone worth building a relationship with.
5| Enjoy it
You’re single, this is your chance to do everything you wanted to do with no one holding you back or trying to talk you out of it.
Travel, take a dance class or learn to cook. Being single is the perfect time to travel, you don’t even need to worry about coordinating schedules. You just have to find a time that works for you and go for it.
Now is your chance to live your life for you. Do it, embrace your singleness. This is the perfect time to cultivate the life you’ve always wanted to do, to focus on things that bring you joy.
Final Thoughts
Being single isn’t always easy. There’s a lot of pressure, but with some work we can embrace the full potential of our singleness and really make the most of it.
What are your favorite things to do when you’re single? How do you fight the pressure to jump into a relationship so people will stop telling you, you need to be in one?
