Trust… not only is it essential to a healthy, successful relationship, but it’s the key to building emotional intimacy with a demisexual.
It is probably one of the biggest hurdles to any relationship. Let’s talk about why it’s so important and how we build relationships based on trust.
First things first, a demisexual is someone who needs an emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction.
The term demisexual is used to define the circumstances or situation under which a person feels sexual attraction, not to describe the individual they direct attraction toward.
A demisexual can be gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, trans or anything else on the LGBT spectrum. The defining characteristic of a demisexual is the lack of desire for physical intimacy without a strong emotional bond.
Why is trust so important for Demisexuals?
Yes, trust is obviously important for anyone in a healthy relationship – be that relationship friendly, romantic or familial. Intimacy is different for demisexuals, we connect trust to our ability to experience sexual attraction and desire emotional intimacy – something many people consider essential in a romantic relationship.
We know why trust is important. From a young age teachers, caregivers even the media drill the importance of being trustworthy into our heads, it’s a coveted trait.
But the question remains, how do we build trust? How do we know we can trust someone? What is the best way to let others know they can trust us?
How to Build Trust in General
Say what you Mean and Mean what you Say
Be true to yourself, honor your commitments. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Take care not to make promises you can’t keep. Life happens, but we all know that but trust is a fragile thing that can break very easily. Say no to commitments you can’t keep, it might be hard in the moment, but you won’t have to disappoint anyone.
Keeping your word shows people what they can expect from you, that you are someone who lives up to their word.
Be Deliberate in your Decisions
This goes hand in hand with the previous tip. Don’t make decisions carelessly, don’t commit to something if you’re not sure you can follow through.
Say yes when you can, but always say no if you can’t. Think through your choices and the words you use when you make them.
Roman wasn’t built in a day, neither is trust. Building trust starts with small steps, it’s a series of little steps showing those around you you’re deserving of their trust. It takes time, don’t expect too much too soon.
Trust, especially in the early phase of a relationship, needs nurturing. It will grow in its own time, but it requires care and attention to get there.
Even if it’s hard sometimes, few things will destroy a person’s faith in you like lying – even by omission.
Yes, the truth might hurt, but it’s a necessary building block in the foundation of your relationship.
Poor communication is one of the biggest challenges faced in any relationship. From not making our expectations clear to making assumptions about what the other person meant, communication isn’t easy.
Hiding things is never a good idea. Sometimes the first step in gaining someone’s trust is to trust them. Take a chance, let yourself be vulnerable share your thoughts, desires and fears. Tell that person what you want and need, give them a chance to respond accordingly.
Consistency is Key
Trust is not the result of a single act. It’s the summation of several acts, building upon each other and all leading to the conclusion that a person is trustworthy.
Don’t forget how easy it is to destroy the trust a person has in you. Chances are we can all point out times in our lives when someone has destroyed our trust in them and maybe even identify how event made it difficult to trust others.
Trust isn’t a onetime thing. It’s based on a pattern of actions that shows us repeatedly that we can trust you with the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.
Admit when you Screw Up
We all make mistakes. The important part is how we deal with them. Own up to the things you’ve done, apologize when it’s warranted.
Take care not to make the same mistakes again. Whatever happened might make your relationship difficult and tense. But if you try to pretend it didn’t happen, or that you did nothing wrong, things will never get better.
Building Trust with a Demisexual Specifically
For demisexuals, sexual attracition is something we feel in very specific circumstances. It’s entirely possible to have a strong emotional bond with someone and no desire to be intimate with them.
It’s hard enough trying to explain that to people. The absolute worst thing you can do is pressure us, make us feel less than or broken because we don’t feel something you want us to.
Physical intimacy is the ultimate expression of trust for a demisexual. In our minds, it’s one of the most vulnerable positions we can imagine finding ourselves in.
Being vulnerable is never easy. A demisexual may fall toward the asexual side of the spectrum, they may also find thoughts of sex repulsive in the absence of an emotional connection.
There may be a disparity in levels of sexual experience. It’s not always easy for us to take that step – a foundation of trust and a strong emotional connection are necessary if we’re going to get there.
Be honest when you’re speaking, but also take the time to hear what we have to say. Ask meaningful question and actively listen to our responses.
Try not to judge. If we trust you, we’ll tell you pretty much anything. Thing is, if your response leaves us feelings hurt or broken, we might not be so willing to confide in you again.
Here’s the deal, we’re not always easy to be in a relationship with. We not eager to take that first step and be vulnerable until we’re sure.
Sometimes we can be emotionally close to someone and not have romantic feelings immediately. We don’t always know when those feelings are going to show up or who they will be directed toward.
Be someone we know we can trust, someone we know we can rely on, and maybe those feelings will develop.
With that said, please remember that no means no and if you’re asked to back off, you need to do so.
Don’t Underestimate the Value of the Relationship
Perhaps one of the best things about having a relationship with a demisexual (whether it’s friendly or romantic) is we know how important an emotional connection is.
We crave that bond and when we build it, we’re going to do as much as we can to nurture it.
Those feelings we’ve been talking about. That sexual attraction and desire for physical intimacy can be scary for a demisexual. Let us know if you’re feeling the same way. Tell us where you would like the relationship to go.
This vulnerability and the uncertainty that comes with it isn’t something we’re accustomed to. It’s easier if we know we’re not alone.
Let yourself be vulnerable. Share your feelings. Spend the night cuddling, talking, sharing secrets. Share those things you’ve never shared with anyone else.
This might be the most effective way to build a relationship with a demisexual. Remember, we’re all about that emotional bond.
Trust is important in any relationship, but it is especially important for those looking to build a relationship with a demisexual.
What are your best tips for building trust in a relationship?