What is the relationship between demisexuality and asexuality is the idea that demisexuals are actually asexual.
One of the most common sources of confusion I see with regards to overlap between demisexility and asexuality.
People ask questions like:
Are you sure you’re not asexual?
As frustrating as it sometimes is to here, it’s a fair question and something I think most demisexuals have struggled with from time to time.
The Spectrum of Asexuality
It’s accepted that sexuality is a spectrum, or continuum. We have asexual on one side and allosexual on the other.
Somewhere in the middle is what we call gray asexuality. The term gray asexual is used to describe someone who does not frequently and/ or intensely experience sexual attraction. Demisexuality is usually somewhere in the middle too.
Like gray asexuals, someone who identifies as demisexual may not experience sexual attraction frequently. However, demisexuals experience this attraction only in a very specific situation, one where an emotional bond has been formed.
However demisexuality does not limit the frequency or intensity with which one can experience sexual attraction.
For example, a demisexual who is not emotionally connected with anyone and thus is not experiencing sexual attraction or desire may identify fall closer to the sexual end of the spectrum. However, when they have developed an emotional attraction, they may find themselves feeling frequent and intense sexual attraction toward that person and may not feel asexual at all.
It’s important to remember that sexual attraction differs from recognizing someone as good looking. Acknowledging and even appreciating that someone is attractive doesn’t cause or imply any sexual desire.
How can I be sure I’m not asexual?
That is a great question, and the source of a lot of debate and confusion in the community.
You might be asexual. In fact, many demisexuals once identified as asexual before finding themselves feeling sexual attraction toward a specific person. It’s confusing to say the least.
It’s easy to see how this could get confusing.
But, here’s the good news. Labels aren’t static. You can change them whenever you want.
Choose the label that fits you best at this point in time. If things aren’t really working and at some point you realize it’s not fitting so well anymore and want to change it – go for it.
It’s so important to remember that when a label changes, it doesn’t make any past or future labels less valid. It doesn’t mean anything is fake, pretend or just a cry for attention.
All it means is that you’ve evolved, gotten to know yourself better or become more comfortable with allowing others to know that part of you.
So, am I asexual or demisexual?
That’s a loaded question and one only you can answer. However, here are some things to help guide you:
Demisexual: a person who feels sexual attraction only after the formation of an emotional bond.
Asexual: someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction towards anyone
Some things to consider
Sadly there doesn’t seem to be a a quick little quiz to help you determine where you fall on the asexual spectrum. But here are a few things for you to consider:
Who are you usually sexually attracted to? Are they friends, acquaintances, co-workers, celebrities, random people on the street, no one at all….
How often do you experience sexual attraction? Always, sometimes, never?
How intense is the attraction? Very intense, not at all intense.
Is sexual attraction an important factor in who you date? Can you see yourself happy in a sexless relationship?
How long do you typically know someone before you feel sexual attraction? No time at all… years…?
Obviously, there are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions. They’re just meant to be used as a tool to be used in your self exploration. To hopefully help you decide where you sit on the asexual spectrum.
A Word on Attraction
This is as good a time as any to remind everyone that sexual attraction isn’t the be all end all of a relationship. The situation in which we feel, or don’t feel, sexual attraction is the defining characteristic of being demisexual or asexual.
Relationships whether they’re platonic, professional or romantic in nature involve a whole range of attractions. Demisexuals and asexuals can and do experience them all.
Other forms of attraction include:
Romantic Attraction: This involves wanting to have a romantic relationship with someone – kissing, cuddling, holding hands – as well as dates and affection. For a demisexual, this typically happens after they form an emotional bond. For someone who identifies as demiromantic, this always happens after the formation of an emotional bond.
Sensual Attraction: This level of attraction involves wanting a physical relationship with someone, the relationship may or many not include sex. However, it will include more sensual things like touching, cuddling and kissing.
This may or may not be in the context of a committed or romantic relationship. In general, it will be a with a person a demisexual has an emotional connection with.
Objective Physical (sexual) Attraction: This attraction forms when someone is pretty much the whole package. When they’re good looking, have a great personality, everything your looking for.
A demisexual may on occasion find themselves in a situation where the person is perfect on paper, but just not giving them the feelings the need to pursue a relationship.
Aesthetic Attraction: Demisexuals and asexuals are not blind, we just experience sexual attraction a bit differently than most. Which means that while we can appreciate an individuals good looks we do it without the desire to sleep with them.
Final Words
I hope this helped to clear up some of the confusion between asexuality and demisexuality.
Asexuality and Demisexuality both have a lot of similarities, especially during the times when a demisexual doesn’t feel an emotional connection for anyone. Applying labels to ourselves is an art more so than a science.
Don’t be afraid to try the label out and see how it fits. If it works, great, if not you can try something else.
